Think, Think, Act

“To find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best in others is hard to find in conflict, and it’s even harder to get your view across.  But sometimes winning an argument isn’t the best way to influence someone, in fact even more profoundly it tends to do the exact opposite, according to Dale Carnegie, “A man convinced against his will; Is of the same opinion still.” [2].

What then are we supposed to do?  First listen, identify, then respond.  We all know how to react and give our say, but it’s not until we learn how to listen that we truly achieve greatness and success in conflict.

Listen: Your first reaction is the most important reaction; Dale Carnegie gave the example of how to encourage rational conversation via an unexpected response; “Well, now, look.  I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong I, I frequently am.  And if I am wrong, I want to be put right.  Let’s examine the facts.”  None the less the best reaction is simply to listen to what the other person has to say.

Identify: Being able to identify what type (Logical, Emotional) of conflict arises and furthermore what method (Logos, Pathos, and Ethos) will be most effective in resolving the disagreement is an important part of any confrontation.  It’s much easier to arrive at an intended destination once you know where you’re going and how to get there.  But when should approach the situation with simple human emotion, instead of critiquing logic and cutting knowledge?

Steven R. Covey touched on this subject while giving an example of a father and a son having a discussion over a disagreement.  He said, “As long as the response (from the son) is logical, the father can effectively ask questions and give counsel.  But the moment the response becomes emotional, he needs to go back to empathic listening.” [1] Thus, the insight you gain from listening can help you identify what type of Response you should have.

Empathic listening (AKA: Active Listening) is a profoundly simple concept from Steven R. Covey, simple in notion, but difficult in application.  As Steven said, “Seek first to understand…  Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”  Seek to understand, be determined to listen.

Respond: A response is different from a reaction; it’s the culmination of all that you have learned from listening to the individual and identifying the situation.  So in any discourse remember to consider what’s most important, and consider who is most important; this is applicable across the board, even and especially in marriage.  Now I’m not yet married but I will give this advice regardless, because I believe it to be true, “Happy wife = happy life.”  Obviously this will not magically solve all your problems in marriage, but being curious, and listening to others will get you a long ways.

Next time you’re faced with a disagreement reflect on Benjamin Franklin’s advice, “The best way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”  Remember, it’s a war of ideas, but when are you determine to think empathetically, your conflicts will diminish, because you had the strength to do hard things the strength to empathetically listen and endlessly  affirm others, simply because PEOPLE MATTER MOST!

Note: This is the continuance from yesterday’s post ( 10 - ‘A War Of Ideas’)

Sincerely,

--

^“15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” ~ NIV Joshua 24:15

Jordan D. Ulmer

Cited:

1. Covey, Stephen R. "Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood." The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1989. 245-57. Print. 
2. Carnegie, Dale. "Make the Other Person Feel Important - and Do It Sincerely; The Only Way to Get the Best of an Argument Is to Avoid It." How to Win Friends and Influence People. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1981. 105-28. Print. 
3. Martha, Henning L. "Ethos, Pathos, and Logos." Ethos, Pathos, and Logos. N.p., 1998. Web. 09 Jan. 2013. <http://courses.durhamtech.edu/perkins/aris.html>. 
4. "Empathic Listening | Beyond Intractability." Empathic Listening | Beyond Intractability. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 Jan. 2013. <http://www.beyondintractability.org/bi-essay/empathic-listening>.